Don't apologize. [ The words, "it's okay" almost make it out of his mouth, but he stops himself. Because it really isn't okay. They can both see that. ]
I'm just... really tired. [ He has to stop to catch his breath (already), and for a minute there, he completely taps out. Gaze unfocused at the ceiling as his body keeps trying to get oxygen where it needs to be.
Then he's back, but still looking at the ceiling. ]
Yukina's brows knit together with deep concern as his gaze goes unfocused, as he stares blankly up at the ceiling - she starts to say something, but then he comes back before he can, and she lets out a small breath.]
[ There's silence, as either Ryou fades out again or he considers his options. One of the two. Slowly, he shifts enough to get a better look at Yukina. Really look at her, through the red haze in his brain. ]
I won't get better.
[ Despite everything else going on, everything else that he feels, saying this was especially distressing, and it shows. ]
Yukina doesn't want to believe it. Her distress is etched into her face, but she doesn't look away from him. Instead, she meets hi eyes and holds his gaze.]
I'll... take you to the clinic. We can - we'll find a way to heal you. You'll get better...
[...even if they did manage to get him to the clinic somehow, what could they do? There aren't nearly enough supplies there. Not for the kind of treatment he needs.]
[She can feel the attempt, and she squeezes his hand lightly in return.]
...I'll do it.
[Yukina's eyes slide shut. If it's what Ryou wants - what he really wants, when he's suffering this much already... how can she deny him? It's true that his blood will be on her hands. But it's... morning, isn't it? It's Friday.
If someone else has already died... will there be a trial for his death?
...if no one has died...
No, she can't think of that right now. Ryou is the one she needs to worry about, and if this is what he thinks will help him...]
If you really, really want me to end this... I will.
[Seizures are not something that falls under her area of expertise. She can treat bruises and cuts, and at home she's healed broken ribs and damaged organs - but Yukina is totally out of her depth here.
All she knows is that the way he gasps for breath is horrifying, and she's terrified that he'll choke on his own tongue, lying on his back like that.
With a gasp, she reaches for him to try and turn him onto his side. At least, that way, nothing can get down his throat.
Mindful of his burns, she holds him through the seizure, her arms coming loosely around him. Not enough to push him down, exactly, but enough that he'll know she's there.]
Ryou-san...
[She's going to have to kill him, she knows. He doesn't want to wait. He doesn't want her to keep watching this, and that's maybe the worst part.
How can he be suffering, and still worry over what she has to see?]
[ He worries because he cares. He's been traumatized enough in his own right, and he feels worse putting Yukina through this. He just doesn't know how to tell her.
He doesn't want her to be haunted by this. ]
Yukina.
[ Her name is choked out again, once he's cooled down from his episode. With what strength he has, he adjusts himself so he can kinda-sorta return the hug. He's got one arm around her, anyway.
Nothing about this is easy. Asking her to do this or to survive, being permanently worn out and damaged - he can only keep thinking that the latter is more cruel. More of a burden, as he certainly can't take care of himself in this condition. And no one deserves to be tied down by the stupid decision he made to go out alone. ]
[She shakes her head. It's a small, minute movement, but it's the only denial she can muster. Yukina can't find her voice. She just holds onto him more tightly, as if that will make him get better, as if it will banish the reality of what she has to do.
This isn't what she wants, but... it's not about what she wants at all.
It's about what he wants. His life, his choice, and she knows that she can't deny him.]
...in here? Or... do you want to see the sky one last time?
Yukina loosens her hold on him and backs up, but only so that she can rearrange her arms to help him sit up in bed. Getting him outside isn't going to be easy - it's going to be downright painful for them both - but if it's what he wants, she'll make it happen.]
Hold on to me.
[Her voice is a whisper. Once she's sure he's secure, she'll help him to his feet, and use what little strength she has to support him as they head for the door.]
[ It's not in Ryou's nature to whine. The trek is awkward and unsteady for him, and he has to consciously tell himself to keep quiet to keep from fussing or whimpering. He leans on Yukina, though he wishes he could at least be strong enough to walk on his own. Even children can do that much, and he berates himself yet again for his stupid decision that led him - and Yukina - here. ]
Thank you.
[ For what, well. He's leaving that vague on purpose. ]
Yukina doesn't want to hear him say thank you. She's about to kill him. He should be upset - or angry that she didn't fight harder to save him, or...
Anything but grateful.]
...let's... sit down. I can... I'll make you some tea.
[She has an idea of what she needs to do. She'd taken some pills from the clinic the day before, thinking they might be useful if it turned out that he had nightmares - she'd never imagined them being used like this. But then... life here is a nightmare, isn't it?]
[Apologies aren't what she wants, not from him. She'd like an apology from whatever hurt him so badly in the first place, though.
Once she's sure he's safely seated in one of the chairs, she backs off.] I'll be back as soon as possible, Ryou-san... with the tea. Is there anything else you want me to get, while I'm doing that...?
[She nods, and hurries away. The bottle of sleeping pills is already in her jacket pocket - she doesn't have to stop and make a detour for that, at least.
Yukina is hasty in her preparations. While the water boils, she sets to crushing as many of the pills into a fine powder as she possibly can. She doesn't know how many of these it will take to kill someone - but more is probably better than less, in this case. The bottle is discarded carelessly into a trash can.
By the time that's done, the water's boiled, and the tea is ready to go. She takes two cups, pours the sleeping powder into one, and fills both with tea, stirring the powdered pills in Ryou's cup to try and get it dissolved. There's so much of it, it probably won't all be, but it should be evenly distributed enough to...
...to let him rest.
Her hands are shaking a little as she carries both cups of tea, back to the kitchen, but she manages to keep from sloshing it out.]
...I'm back.
[She sets a cup down in front of him, then takes a seat on the other side of the table, setting her tea down in front of herself.]
When you're ready for it all to be over... drink your tea, all right? As much of it as you can.
[ Each sip of tea adds more of the pills to his bloodstream, his body working on metabolizing it as he drinks more, more - inundating his system with the medicinal cocktail.
He gets drowsy.
Of course, he takes Yukina's hand once she offers it. His grip is loose to begin with, but becomes more relaxed as the drugs start to take hold. He doesn't know what to say anymore, or if he even should say anything. Like night creeping in after sunset - in any other place but here - darkness starts to take over Ryou's vision. His mind. Everything feels heavy and light at once, and he slips into unconsciousness for the last time. And finally...
She keeps her hand in his, even as his grip loosens. She keeps her eyes on him - because, just like with the executions, she's condemned him to this. She was the one who mixed the pills into his tea, who gave it to him, who allowed him to end his life.
But she's not quite able to stay silent. She doesn't know if her words will reach him - he seems so far gone already. Still, she hopes that her words will give him some measure of comfort as he passes.]
...I know... how to have the dead sent home. I'll save you. No matter what it takes...
[Not long after that, his fingers go slack, and as she listens to the silence, it hits her.
Silence.
He isn't breathing.
He's gone.
Yukina slowly eases her hand out of his. She stands up, looks uselessly at the cups on the table, and leaves them as they are. Ryou's body, though, she moves.
Not much. Just enough to be sure that he's resting peacefully, that he's stable, that he won't fall. And she makes sure that his eyes are properly shut. She walks away from the dining area, her mind hazy. She reaches into her pocket, and doesn't notice when Ryou's key falls out and clatters to the ground.
It's not until she makes it up the stairs - until she comes to a stop in front of the door she's going to try and open - that she finally starts to cry.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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This shouldn't have happened. ]
Don't apologize. [ The words, "it's okay" almost make it out of his mouth, but he stops himself. Because it really isn't okay. They can both see that. ]
I'm just... really tired. [ He has to stop to catch his breath (already), and for a minute there, he completely taps out. Gaze unfocused at the ceiling as his body keeps trying to get oxygen where it needs to be.
Then he's back, but still looking at the ceiling. ]
Yukina, I'm so tired. I didn't... sleep at all...
It hurts too much.
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Yukina's brows knit together with deep concern as his gaze goes unfocused, as he stares blankly up at the ceiling - she starts to say something, but then he comes back before he can, and she lets out a small breath.]
What can I do? I want... to help you.
I don't want you to hurt anymore, Ryou-san.
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I won't get better.
[ Despite everything else going on, everything else that he feels, saying this was especially distressing, and it shows. ]
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[It's not true.
Yukina doesn't want to believe it. Her distress is etched into her face, but she doesn't look away from him. Instead, she meets hi eyes and holds his gaze.]
I'll... take you to the clinic. We can - we'll find a way to heal you. You'll get better...
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[ His breath hitches. ]
Yukina, please...
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[She won't make it that far. They both know it.]
...are you asking me to...?
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I just... I can't-- do this. I don't want... to live like this.
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[...even if they did manage to get him to the clinic somehow, what could they do? There aren't nearly enough supplies there. Not for the kind of treatment he needs.]
You're... really sure about that?
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I would die anyway. From this or... someone.
[ His breathing is more rapid now, but still shallow and ragged. ]
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If she does it, she can at least be sure that he won't suffer more than he has to. That she'll... make it quick. That she won't hurt him.
(But if he dies...)]
...you trust me to... do this for you?
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[ He tries to squeeze her hand, but it's pathetic. Weak. ]
But I don't want you to be upset.
[ Remember? ]
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...I'll do it.
[Yukina's eyes slide shut. If it's what Ryou wants - what he really wants, when he's suffering this much already... how can she deny him? It's true that his blood will be on her hands. But it's... morning, isn't it? It's Friday.
If someone else has already died... will there be a trial for his death?
...if no one has died...
No, she can't think of that right now. Ryou is the one she needs to worry about, and if this is what he thinks will help him...]
If you really, really want me to end this... I will.
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[ He repeats some iteration of that statement a couple more times. Please, it hurts so much.
He's not crying, but it sounds like he want to, with how strained his voice is. ]
I don't want you to see me like this. I don't want to wait to die... Not like this. I don't--
[ His breath catches again, and he gasps for air and, oh
he's having another seizure. ]
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All she knows is that the way he gasps for breath is horrifying, and she's terrified that he'll choke on his own tongue, lying on his back like that.
With a gasp, she reaches for him to try and turn him onto his side. At least, that way, nothing can get down his throat.
Mindful of his burns, she holds him through the seizure, her arms coming loosely around him. Not enough to push him down, exactly, but enough that he'll know she's there.]
Ryou-san...
[She's going to have to kill him, she knows. He doesn't want to wait. He doesn't want her to keep watching this, and that's maybe the worst part.
How can he be suffering, and still worry over what she has to see?]
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He doesn't want her to be haunted by this. ]
Yukina.
[ Her name is choked out again, once he's cooled down from his episode. With what strength he has, he adjusts himself so he can kinda-sorta return the hug. He's got one arm around her, anyway.
Nothing about this is easy. Asking her to do this or to survive, being permanently worn out and damaged - he can only keep thinking that the latter is more cruel. More of a burden, as he certainly can't take care of himself in this condition. And no one deserves to be tied down by the stupid decision he made to go out alone. ]
...It's for the best.
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This isn't what she wants, but... it's not about what she wants at all.
It's about what he wants. His life, his choice, and she knows that she can't deny him.]
...in here? Or... do you want to see the sky one last time?
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[ Either he means Hajime could catch Yukina, or be blamed instead or... Who knows, really. It's not entirely clear.
Point is, he wants to see the sky. ]
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Yukina loosens her hold on him and backs up, but only so that she can rearrange her arms to help him sit up in bed. Getting him outside isn't going to be easy - it's going to be downright painful for them both - but if it's what he wants, she'll make it happen.]
Hold on to me.
[Her voice is a whisper. Once she's sure he's secure, she'll help him to his feet, and use what little strength she has to support him as they head for the door.]
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Thank you.
[ For what, well. He's leaving that vague on purpose. ]
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Yukina doesn't want to hear him say thank you. She's about to kill him. He should be upset - or angry that she didn't fight harder to save him, or...
Anything but grateful.]
...let's... sit down. I can... I'll make you some tea.
[She has an idea of what she needs to do. She'd taken some pills from the clinic the day before, thinking they might be useful if it turned out that he had nightmares - she'd never imagined them being used like this. But then... life here is a nightmare, isn't it?]
It will... help you sleep.
[Permanently.]
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Maybe it's both. ]
I'll be okay if I sit. The kitchen is too far... Sorry.
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[Apologies aren't what she wants, not from him. She'd like an apology from whatever hurt him so badly in the first place, though.
Once she's sure he's safely seated in one of the chairs, she backs off.] I'll be back as soon as possible, Ryou-san... with the tea. Is there anything else you want me to get, while I'm doing that...?
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[ Just let him rest. ]
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Yukina is hasty in her preparations. While the water boils, she sets to crushing as many of the pills into a fine powder as she possibly can. She doesn't know how many of these it will take to kill someone - but more is probably better than less, in this case. The bottle is discarded carelessly into a trash can.
By the time that's done, the water's boiled, and the tea is ready to go. She takes two cups, pours the sleeping powder into one, and fills both with tea, stirring the powdered pills in Ryou's cup to try and get it dissolved. There's so much of it, it probably won't all be, but it should be evenly distributed enough to...
...to let him rest.
Her hands are shaking a little as she carries both cups of tea, back to the kitchen, but she manages to keep from sloshing it out.]
...I'm back.
[She sets a cup down in front of him, then takes a seat on the other side of the table, setting her tea down in front of herself.]
When you're ready for it all to be over... drink your tea, all right? As much of it as you can.
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[ He doesn't argue. He doesn't fight. He doesn't struggle with the fact that his life is rapidly coming to a close.
His politeness keeps him from slamming the tea down in one gulp. As with everything else, it's slow. ]
...Will you stay with me?
[ Look, just because he decided do to this doesn't suddenly mean he's brave. ]
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[There's no question about it. It's painful, of course, but she can't shut her eyes to what's happening. He's dying because of her, after all.
She reaches across the table, for his hand.]
I'll watch over you until the end, Ryou-san.
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He gets drowsy.
Of course, he takes Yukina's hand once she offers it. His grip is loose to begin with, but becomes more relaxed as the drugs start to take hold. He doesn't know what to say anymore, or if he even should say anything. Like night creeping in after sunset - in any other place but here - darkness starts to take over Ryou's vision. His mind. Everything feels heavy and light at once, and he slips into unconsciousness for the last time. And finally...
He stops breathing. ]
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She keeps her hand in his, even as his grip loosens. She keeps her eyes on him - because, just like with the executions, she's condemned him to this. She was the one who mixed the pills into his tea, who gave it to him, who allowed him to end his life.
But she's not quite able to stay silent. She doesn't know if her words will reach him - he seems so far gone already. Still, she hopes that her words will give him some measure of comfort as he passes.]
...I know... how to have the dead sent home. I'll save you. No matter what it takes...
[Not long after that, his fingers go slack, and as she listens to the silence, it hits her.
Silence.
He isn't breathing.
He's gone.
Yukina slowly eases her hand out of his. She stands up, looks uselessly at the cups on the table, and leaves them as they are. Ryou's body, though, she moves.
Not much. Just enough to be sure that he's resting peacefully, that he's stable, that he won't fall. And she makes sure that his eyes are properly shut. She walks away from the dining area, her mind hazy. She reaches into her pocket, and doesn't notice when Ryou's key falls out and clatters to the ground.
It's not until she makes it up the stairs - until she comes to a stop in front of the door she's going to try and open - that she finally starts to cry.]